Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts

06 January 2011

Upon Me in the Evening

It's a hard season.

Don't get me wrong. It's a beautiful time. But it's a hard season, because of one thing. I can't sleep. I've always been prone to wakefulness (something that comes in quite handy when fixing meals for 150 teenagers at summer camp or praying for a suffering friend), but as of late, my insomnia has taken a turn. And the road I'm now on with it is rocky. Occasional nights of sleeplessness have become weeks, and I am sustained by prayer and music and caffeine day after day. My body craves sleep, yet my soul is troubled and stays on watch. And I've tried every trick - warm showers and herbal teas and half-doses of Benadryl or full-doses of Advil PM. But it's a hard season, and my soul rages against sleep. My long nights are filled with tears and petitions. I hunger for release.

Even in this moment, the Lord speaks. And I am thankful. He provides words when the ink fades on mine. The following is from Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening.

"Now the hand of the Lord was upon me in the evening." -Ezekiel 33:22

In the way of judgment this may be the case, and, if so, be it mine to consider the reason of such a visitation, and bear the rod and him that hath appointed it. I am not the only one who is chastened in the night season; let me cheerfully submit to the affliction, and carefully endeavour to be profited thereby. But the hand of the Lord may also be felt in another manner, strengthening the soul and lifting the spirit upward towards eternal things. O that I may in this sense feel the Lord dealing with me!

A sense of the divine presence and indwelling bears the soul towards heaven as upon the wings of eagles. At such times we are full to the brim with spiritual joy, and forget the cares and sorrows of earth; the invisible is near, and the visible loses its power over us; servant-body waits at the foot of the hill, and the master-spirit worships upon the summit in the presence of the Lord.

O that a hallowed season of divine communion may be vouchsafed to me this evening! The Lord knows that I need it very greatly. My graces languish, my corruptions rage, my faith is weak, my devotion is cold; all these are reasons why his healing hand should be laid upon me. His hand can cool the heat of my burning brow, and stay the tumult of my palpitating heart. That glorious right hand which moulded the world can new-create my mind; the unwearied hand which bears the earth's huge pillars up can sustain my spirit; the loving hand which incloses all the saints can cherish me; and the mighty hand which breaketh in pieces the enemy can subdue my sins. Why should I not feel that hand touching me this evening? Come, my soul, address thy God with the potent plea, that Jesus' hands were pierced for thy redemption, and thou shalt surely feel that same hand upon thee which once touched Daniel and set him upon his knees that he might see visions of God.

03 January 2009

16 or 25 things.

There's a Facebook version of the infamous "copy and paste these questions, complete them, and forward them to at least __ friends" email. In the past few weeks, I have received three "tags" - two on "25 Things about Me" notes and one on "16 Things." I completed my list and published it. I thought I would post the list here, just for fun. My next list will be the "50 things I want to do before I turn 50" list. That one is certainly taking more time and prayer.


1.I don’t think there are 16, let alone 25, things worth sharing. But I’m giving it a good faith effort because I’m an insomniac achiever who can’t let go of a challenge.

2.I have to sleep with white noise. A fan is preferable, and if there’s a compressor involved it’s even better. When I was a little girl, I used to sneak and either turn the air conditioner down low or the heater up high just to keep the “noise” on. Needless to say, it didn’t impress my parents too much.

3.Social situations in which I’m not in some type of “control” make me feel extremely awkward and shy. I’ll tuck myself away somewhere or find one person to chat with – and I’ve been known to simply avoid attending gatherings entirely. But give me a purpose, and I become a social butterfly – eloquent and charming and completely comfortable.

4.I love to entertain in my home. Cooking is therapy to me. And watching others enjoy themselves with good food, drink and conversation is a gift beyond measure.

5.I am not greatly impressed by celebrity (in fact, I’ve found many “famous” people to be shallow and off-putting). I am greatly impressed by character and wisdom.

6.As a child, I had a very active imagination and loved to create things. I once made a water slide out of our entry hallway, baby-powdered my entire bedroom as part of a Halloween project, tried to bake a cake using vodka and Tabasco sauce as liquid (it exploded), and split my chin open attempting to float on a pillow pushed halfway off a bed (“I Dream of Jeannie” style).

7.Not a surprise to anyone – I love to write. But I don’t like writing on command and really dislike the fundamentals of the 5 Ws and the H (who, what, when, where, why and how, for the non-journalists). It’s not that I can’t write traditional stuff – I’ve certainly penned my share of press releases and new stories over time. But to be perfectly honest, I need to be inspired in some way. And when I am inspired, it’s difficult for the words NOT to come.

8.I really wish I could sing well. In fact, the dream job for me would be to be a “triple threat” star on Broadway. To act, sing, and dance – it makes me smile just to think about it. I’ve been told I’m a decent actor, and I’ve been in dance troupes in the past, but no one has ever asked me to sing a solo. So I’ll be content with “making a joyful noise.”

9.I thoroughly enjoy learning about other people – their history, their philosophies, their hopes and dreams and fears. And I derive a great sense of joy from helping people understand their unique worth and purpose.

10.When I say, “Nothing shocks me,” I mean it. My childhood and family life trained me well through what I saw and experienced – alcoholism and drugs, abuse, infidelity, corruption, illness, untimely deaths...

11.I was a radio star at the young age of 4. Unfortunately, it was a “one shot” deal. I was with my dad on KLPR, a country station in Oklahoma City. My parents were good friends with the owner, Jack Beasley, and he thought it would fun to have me visit. He asked me what radio station was my favorite. Another station in town had a commercial that featured a little girl saying “My mommy listens to WKY.” So, I smiled and said, “My daddy listens to WKY.” End of visit.

12.There are few things I hate. In fact, there are only two things that come to mind right now: abuse and cancer. I even have a soft spot for really horrible people, because my natural inclination is to want to understand why (see #7).

13.I miss my mom. So much.

14.I have an unnatural fear of strapping two sticks on my feet and flying at a rapid rate down a snow-covered hill. I even took lessons, did well, but hyperventilated as my instructor guided me down the mountain at the end of the day. Give me a snowmobile, however, and I’m a madwoman.

15.I ascribe human emotions to most everything. And because of that, I am a sucker for leftover holiday stuff at a store, stuffed animals that don’t look quite right, or broken things. There’s a pig in my kitchen that happily lives there now after suffering a broken leg at Z Gallerie (the salesperson said, “You do understand you can’t bring this back.” Are you kidding me? I was adopting him!). I own a stuffed animal named Fu Man Rabbit, named that because his little whiskers hang down. And this week, I almost cried at Walgreens when I saw the Christmas aisle – just thinking about all the toys and candy and wrapping paper that wanted to brighten someone’s life but didn’t get the chance.

16.I have little respect for leaders who don’t have a true servant’s heart, for “yellow-dog” anything, and for people who love to argue for argument’s sake.

17.As a little girl, I had a crush on two blondes: Johnny Quest and Cowboy Andy. One was a cartoon character and one was a character in a Dr Seuss book. I thought both boys were far better than any real boys I knew.

18.In a perfect world, I would own four houses. One for each season, so I could decorate each perfectly with just the right furniture and accoutrement. And each would be in a different part of the world, so it would receive the greatest benefits of that season.

19.I have a very strong sense of smell. And I “see” smells in imagery and colors. For example, a daycare smells like strawberry kiddy sweat to me. And our cabin in East Texas smells like barn locker. A candle I just received smells extremely blue. And my dog’s feet smell like popcorn grass.

20.I sucked my finger until I was 9. Right index finger, accompanied by a blanket with a silk edge that I rubbed with my thumb and middle finger (also right hand). I learned the startling truth that no other kids sucked their fingers while at my first slumber party. I kicked the habit cold turkey that night.

21. I attempted suicide when I was 20. I had everything a gal could want – great job, money, fun friends who loved to party – but.. So I took an overdose of nerve pills. It’s not that I wanted to die. I just wanted to see if anyone would actually notice – or care. Absolutely nothing happened. Seriously – an entire bottle of nerve pills, and nothing happened. Talk about divine intervention. I became a Christ-follower a month later.

22.I call puppies “babies” and babies “punkins.”

23.I really thought I would be living in a foreign land by now. I’m not sure where exactly, but in my mind’s eye, I see myself working with the poor and displaced in another country.

24.I apologize in advance for those I will tag in this note – and do not expect any of you to follow through with your own list (though I will most certainly read any that are published).

25.I honestly do think life should be a musical. But then again, I believe it quite possibly is after all.